Why I'm Still Single

Why I Am Still A Single Man

By Don Mueller

Many people ask me, "How come you're still single?" Well, hey, at the young tender age of fifty I feel that I have to get all of my adolescent energy sublimated before I'm mature enough to consider an incredibly permanent condition. You don't believe that one? Let's try this one, and this time it's the truth. I've never been married because it's mathematically impossible. Let me explain!

First, let me place my order for a possible mate. Of course, my main criteria is that she have a pulse. That limits me right there to people who are still alive. At this moment in time, there are 5.8 billion people in this world. Since I want someone who speaks English, and since I've never been outside of the United States, I think it would be quite fair to limit my search at least within the confines of America, which at this time numbers 260,138,000 in population. Since I'm a normal heterosexual, I'm interested in the female half of that, or, according to the almanac, that narrows it down to 133,016,000 females in the USA. Call me picky, but I'm interested in single
women, not married women. 40.8 percent of all women are single. (in this sense meaning either never married, divorced or widowed) That comes to 54,270,528 single women in this country. Now of course, babies or really old ladies are of no use to me, so we have to establish a reasonable age range. Let's say I'll consider someone between the ages of 25 and 49. I won't elaborate, but usually when I state age preferences, I'm referring more to mental & physical attitude rather than chronological age. But for purposes of calculation, there are 19,779,024 single women in this country who fall into that age range. Like all Mensans, I love to talk to intelligent people, and smart women to me are very sexy. So that's an easy calculation. 2% of the above figure leaves 395,580 smart single women in America. If I would consider hooking up
to a mate, she would have to be reasonably attractive if I was going to have to look at her for the rest of my life. By attractiveness, I'm not referring to perfectly formed model like features. I'm talking more about the pride that she takes in herself to look like a women. Let's just say a 400 pound lady with hairy arms and tattoos would not be in the running! Usually when I come into a group of singles, one out of fifteen rings my visual chimes, so that would leave 26,372 good lookin', smart, single women out there. I strongly believe in the biblical admonition of being equally yoked, and so, since my flavor of religion is 1.2 percent of the population, that leaves 316 people that I'm compatable with. But wait a minute, that's in the entire US! Since I only leave the state about once every ten years for anything, It would be realistic that I limit my search to Colorado. Since our state is just 1.3 % of the US population, that leaves just 4 women
in my region that I'm compatable with. Four??? Now we have to put up with the fact of whether these 4 women would even want to go out with me! When I was in a video dating service, I got a 25% acceptance rate for everyone I asked out, which they told me was the average for everyone in that service. A quarter of four is, uh, one person. Only one person in the entire State of Colorado that I even have a chance with! Short of appealing to the Governor, I'm not quite sure I know how to find that one person. One more thing. A person of her incredible attributes would probably want someone who is good looking, rich, and likes kids and animals, as opposed to a nerd who likes to blow up eggs and squirt cats on national TV. I rest my case!

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