Make 'em Laugh!


By Don Mueller

One time a man was looking at one of my top 10 lists that was on a Mensa poster at the People's Fair in Denver. He thought it was pretty funny, and asked me where he could get his own copy of it. I explained that it was something that I wrote myself for a Joke-Off (a special interest group of our local Mensa), and that the only copy of it in the world was on that poster. However, being the generous guy that I am, I am reprinting that original piece for everyone right now for your perusal:


10. Ask him what time it is, he'll tell you how a watch works.
9. Ask him how he is, he'll say, "relative to what?"
8. He reads the local Mensa newsletter for the first time and thinks everything in it is accurate.
7. He listens carefully to a rambling drunk, writes an analytical book on it, and starts a new religion.
6. He now wears a computer watch instead of a slide rule holster as he did when he was in college.
5. When his girlfriend says, "that's a beautiful sunset", he explains that it's merely an illusion caused by the rotation of the earth. (of course, that's merely an academic assumption, since a guy who talks like that couldn't possibly have a girlfriend in the first place)
4. He thinks that the movie "Revenge Of the Nerds" is the greatest art film ever made.
3. he can explain the theory of Botany and how capillary action of H2O is necessary for life on earth. Unfortunately, his lawn is dried up because he doesn't water it enough.
2. He's extremely efficient-- his many books have been archived onto a computer so that he can find any title instantly--and he would be glad to tell you where a book is except the batteries in his laptop are dead.


1. He's got a Master's degree in computer science, knows advanced Basic, FORTRAN and COBOL. His next project is to learn how to program his VCR.

One more thing. Since I've always been a connessuir of humor, and since I did professional stand-up for 3 years back in the '70s, I'm seriously thinking of producing a special interest video with the working title of "How to Be Funny". This would include instruction on how to write jokes & perform humor. I'm preparing a press kit for any media who wants to know about it, and here's some Q & A to explain it:

Q: What is this video about?
A: It's 'bout 90 minutes.
Q: What was your motivation for producing this video?
A: Hunger.
Q: Why did you produce a videotape instead of writing a book on this topic?
A: Because a videotape fits into a VCR much better. If you jam a book into the VCR slot, the heads tear up the pages, and it gets kinda icky.
Q: What range does this tape cover?
A: About 45 feet with a good throwing arm.
Q: Are there any other tapes on the market that can be more useful than this one?
A: Duct tape.
Q: If I order this tape, and my machine eats it, what will you do about it?
A: I'll personally come to your house and burp your VCR.
Q: What's the difference between your video tape and other videos on the same topic?
A: I'm not just another pretty face.
Q: Will you sell this tape by mail order only, or will it appear in retail outlets?
A: I'm still doing market research to decide that. By the way, do you enjoy hanging around flea markets?
Q: How many viewings of this video would you recommend for me to gain enough knowledge to express myself in humorous ways?
A: Watch it until you're silly.

Remember, you saw it here first!

By the way, if you are seriously interested in buying such a video, E-mail me and let me know. I'm at

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